The end of an era

I already failed my second day of blogging. I guess I have to be patient... I set all these schedules for myself (blog once a day mon-fri) and get frustrated when it doesn't happen.

I was busy with something important though. I FINALLY officially turned in my THESIS:



All 6 copies



I had to reprint all six cover pages because I accidentally left the parentheses in!

Well, you think that after suffering for two long years thinking, "I have to write my thesis, I have to write my thesis" and turning it in a year late, after paying late fees every month, I'd feel incredibly happy and fulfilled. I was left feeling kind of sad and worried actually. Worried because with the pressure of turning it in quick so as not to pay more, I had the feeling I should've read it more carefully. A feeling confirmed five minutes after turning it in when I discovered TWO mistakes (minor mistakes...). I'm hoping that's just the normal perfectionist feeling everyone gets because there is always something you could've corrected. And I don't really know why I felt the sad part. I'm officially done studying? The end of an era? Scared of it being graded?

There were many things I learned with this whole thesis-being-late-process this last year:

1. God's time, not my time: A friend told me in an email when it was the right time it would flow and I would just write and write and write. I didn't believe it at the time but that's exactly what happened. During one year I stressed out about it, obsessively tried making time for it, felt bad about not writing it... and then in a week in the Azores I just wrote and wrote and wrote, like twelve hours a day just stopping to eat!
2. Giving up control: I used to be judgmental toward people who couldn't stick to diets but now I totally understand. I felt like I physically/emotionally/whatever couldn't make time and discipline myself to write my thesis. I'd try, couldn't, and then would punish myself by not going out or having fun. It was a horrible cycle. I really felt what people with addicitions must feel about having to give up control of a problem you can't fix yourself.
3. I felt happier in the process of writing it, learning all the amazing things I was learning, than the actual process now of turning it in, being scared of going to discuss it and getting a grade.

When leaving my university, with all these mixed feelings, I saw one of my favorite flowers. I love the red. I have a new appreciation for flowers now because of my landlady.