Friday, October 29, 2010

Chili and a world turned upside down

It was cold and rainy this morning. So chili and cornbread was the perfect thing to make:


And take for dinner. Danny and I get to go to two classical concerts this weekend. We are being blessed musically for some strange reason. It's great though!

I got a phone call about 17 minutes ago that totally turned my world upside down. I have been looking for a temporary job but never, ever, EVER in my wildest dreams imagined this could happen. It's not exactly GOOD... but not exactly BAD... I really have no idea. I also have no idea why God is doing all of this to me. Why?! Why?! Why?! Saying yes to this offer I just got would make one very important person in my life very happy but would make another very important person in my life very sad. And me? I don't know. I just don't know. It's scary. And not what I wanted.

Well, sorry for the suspense. I am going to decide this weekend and only then will I be able to share anything about it.

Happy weekend and happy Halloween! ;)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The day's conclusions

A weird thing I ate today:
A very aloe-vera-ey yogurt. Last week I tried to divide gel from an aloe vera leaf among several yogurts, but it was pink the next day. So this time I put all of the gel in one yogurt. It was not very good. It wasn't at all like the aloe vera yogurt I get at the store with cute little aloe vera chunks. It was like eating.... alien guts. It was slimy and sticky and gooey. So next time I think I'll try it in a smoothie?

A funny thing I did today:
I was a rebel and sat on a bench reserved for old people. Isn't that funny? A bench reserved for old people? It actually says that on two separate benches very close to my house. At first I thought it was a joke. Then last Saturday I saw old people actually sitting on these benches and realized one had the year 1985 written on it. So maybe a long time ago, when the paved roads were dirt roads, people would sit on benches outside and just hang out. And old people got first place when it came to benches. I wish it were still like that.

My favorite part of the day:
Petting a three-month-old absolutely adorable beagle puppy and the lady getting uncomfortable and coming to put his leash on him. And my sister being embarrassed and pretending she didn't know me. (...but me screaming out her name and running after her of course)

My least favorite part of the day:
Being generally worried about the future, even though I really don't want to be, and being sad about being mad at a certain someone.

Something I learned:
I came to the conclusion somehow that a good way of discerning might be do what you are scared of doing (either because it's new, challenging, are worried about what people might think of you, etc.) and don't do what you do because you are too afraid to say no (out of fear, obligation, what people will think of you, etc.). 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Friendship


Friendship is a gift. I still remember two summers ago, when a very special Norwegian told me, "I prayed for a friend and it came true!" It reminded me of the movie Beethoven when the little girl wakes up with a puppy in her bed and tells her mom, "Mommy, mommy, look! I dreamt I had a puppy and it came true!"

It does seem that friendship comes out of nowhere. You can't really say, "I'm going to go out and find some FRIENDS!" I've tried that. It doesn't work. My second year in Portugal I tried both getting friends and getting a boyfriend, because I felt I needed them. Let me tell you both plans failed miserably. They are just things you have to wait for. Hope for. Dream of. Gifts.

The boyfriend came to me when I least expected it, when I least wanted it. Funny how that works. As for the friendship business, I'm still working on it. Ever since I moved to Portugal, I feel like I haven't had a close friendship that I could pour my heart out to and go on creative adventures with. At first I thought, "Oh, that just stops happening when you become an adult. Your spouse takes place of best friends." I don't think so anymore though. I think it's something that is given to you when the time is right.

I had a special, crazy friend last year that appeared in my life very spontaneously. I met her on a bus ride to a weekend trip I didn't even want to go to and tried to get out of. She, of course, left the country, leaving me to think "why?! WHY do all my friends leave?!" However, I soon realized that I had been given a gift. Maybe new gifts would come soon?

I feel like four or five people have been popping up in my life lately as possible friends. They have either always been there or are new. I feel like God is saying, "here!" or "look, here!" But I feel so far away from everyone. If it takes over an hour to get to someone's house, can you really be friends? If you don't see each other at least once a week or more, can you still be friends? How can I make more time and include friends in my life more? Or should I just embrace my solitude and wait?

The highpoint of today was definitely lunch with a friend, Dora. My favorite things about Dora are her simplicity and straightforwardness. Usually when I like someone I think, "I want to be more like her" or "I wish I had her _____". But Dora makes me feel happy with who I am. I think that is a unique quality, to make people feel like that. I poured out my frustrations and concerns and actually learned a lot of things with our conversation. Mainly:
  • Two people don't have to have the same vision of life or values to be friends or even spouses. What makes people love each other is a deeper, more intimate connection. A trust. This might seem basic to you, but it was a RELIEF to me.
  • You don't have to earn money. It's not a basic condition of being a good person. It's actually just an ideal of modern society, being self-sufficient. You should have a reason for earning money, and it's not always necessary.
  • Perfection doesn't exist. Something like an imperfect family doesn't necessarily have to be bad, it just makes life the way it is. Again, may seem basic but totally shed light on one of my "issues".
I especially liked her stories of couples she knew that went through life mutually supporting each other. One worked a tough job so the other could study something that was a dream of hers, both making financial sacrifices. I liked the way she described a dating period that was difficult, but because of the difficulties it was like a "purification" before marriage. I also liked the stories about people that just couldn't break up with each other, even though they might've had logical reasons to, because they couldn't imagine life without the other.

Oh life. Why so confusing?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A love exchange

Today I made peanut butter cups. AT HOME. Wow.


Oh you bet I ate them too. Then I saw my landlady sweeping outside and decided to give her some too. She liked them. I said, "it's a typical sweet from America". I want people to know as much as possible that America has typical and good food too, not just big macs. She was so pleased that I had given her something that she took me inside her kitchen and promptly gave me three things: homemade marmalade, quince jelly (geleia de marmelos) and diospiros from her tree. It's a fruit.


I used to be really insecure about my relationship with my landlady. She lives alone and likes company so I felt bad about not hanging out with her enough. I used to compare myself to the girl she talks about that rented the apartment before me, that "was really nice and still comes to visit". Now I think I care a little less. Which actually helped our relationship... strange. The fact is I really like and admire my landlady. So I don't watch soap operas with her every night. Or plant flowers with her over the weekend. Big deal. Yesterday she called me "minha querida" (sweetie) for the very first time. Maybe she didn't notice but it was very important for me. It was a proof that she likes me. I'm a words person.

So today I gave her peanut butter cups. And she gave me presents. It's like a love exchange. I admire all widows, but especially ones like my landlady... that have this survivor spirit. She definitely knows how to appreciate the small pleasures in life... walks she takes with her neighbor by the ocean, watering her millions of plants, talking to her bird that sings, eating fruit from her own trees. She loves flowers and describes them like I've never seen anyone else describe flowers. "It's very small and delicate, a clean white, and has this little part in the middle that's purple..." She says she is amazed by creation when she thinks about the infinite varieties of flowers there are around the world. She's also very certain about what she likes and what she wants. She doesn't waste time with things that don't matter. She went on a trip to Fatima this weekend with a group that goes on many trips all the time, but she says the other trips don't interest her. She just likes that one, once a year. It's good enough for her. I admire that.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Cleaning and conflict

My weekend started off pretty well. I cleaned my house and actually had fun in the process. Ever since my friend Catia (from the previous post) told me one of her favorite things to do is clean her house (what?! ....what?!), I haven't looked at it the same way. She said she listens to music and it's like purification. So that's what I did, I listened to good ol' country online radio and "purified".
Before
After, complete with candle
Unfortunately the weekend didn't stay on a high note. It went up and down, then up and down again. For various reasons. One of which was choosing to do something I knew was going to get me into trouble. I've known for some time now you should be careful what you wish for. For example, if you want to be more courageous, God will send you scary situations so you can use your courage. I usually ask to be more free and less of a people-pleaser, so I think every now and then God sends me situations in which people get mad at me or in which I think very differently from everyone else I'm with and have to stick up for my beliefs. Scaary.

I usually avoid conflict with people at all costs, even "uh-huh"ing when people make completely theologically incorrect statements about the Bible, Church, priests, etc. and just run away or hide as soon as possible. This weekend though I felt called to conflict. Not really to the conflict, because that's SCARY, but to stop doing something I'd been doing for a long time at my church just out of fear and to fit in. I didn't like doing it. I felt like I was doing something I didn't agree with deep down inside. But standing up and doing what I felt is right would involve conflict. Scary. People being mad at me. Double scary. After thinking about this thing for many weeks, I was sure that was what God was calling me to do. Why would God call me in this particular situation to create conflict with someone else, who is a really nice person, when it would be easier just to go along with it all and do something that's really not that big of a deal? I'm still not sure. I thought I was prepared for the conflict I knew would follow. But when it happened, and oh it happened, it was still hard. I guess you can never be completely ready.

Last year I went to work at a really big school, with over 100 teachers. It was the first time I felt I understood Jesus's words when he says he sends us out like lambs among wolves. I felt like I was fighting for something (not really sure what... maybe just to be myself? to believe in what I believe in, that no one there believed in?) in a hostile environment.

This summer I went to many wonderful places, like Taize, France. A place where you play and pray all day. Where people "don't wear masks", like some people say. When I came back to my day-to-day, it was frustrating for me to realize how hard it is to find places like that here. Why aren't local churches mini-Taize's? Places where people take off their masks, share, welcome you. Last year I was overwhelmed by the feeling of being a lamb among wolves, with politics and people acting out of fear, and even some wolves in lamb's clothing. It's sad, but I wonder if it's possible to feel that way also at your church? To a lesser degree of course!




Saturday, October 23, 2010

I love him

To make up for the bad lunch I made yesterday, I made a really delicious and easy-to-make shrimp curry yesterday. I will be posting recipes soon.


Then I went to my friend Catia's house in Cova da Moura. Here is the view from her window:


The only downside is that it's in one of Lisbon's worst and most feared neighborhoods, rumored to be full of drugs and violence, where the police won't enter. Why would a 25-year-old girl live there by herself? Because she thinks it's sad that it has this reputation when in fact 99% of the Cape Verdean population that lives there is good, honest and extremely hospitable. Because she thinks it's sad there is no presence of the Church there. And of course because it's always been her dream to live among the poor. So she just lives there, not connected to any organization or trying to do any project, just carrying on with her daily life and trying to be friends with her neighbors. Plus she teaches catechism at the closest church.

I really admire her and love telling people I have a friend that lives with the poor in the worst neighborhood in Lisbon. I love hearing different reactions like, "I wouldn't go in there if they paid me" or "that's really impressive". Mainly they just ask "but...why?" several times. I think it's her way of being christian. Which is always dangerous and adventurous.

Catia and Roberto
My favorite thing about going to her house is seeing the neighborhood kids that just randomly ring her doorbell and hang out at her house. This time I met Beatriz:


She is five and very beautiful. She likes going to Catia's house because "she has lots of things to color". Even at the age of five, she has a very complicated love life. There is one boy that likes her and calls her girlfriend but she doesn't like him. She loves another one. ("eu amo a ele"/I love him) A boy called her fat and she said it made her feel sad. What did she do? Of course call him fat back. When Catia asked if he was in fact fat, she said no. What a silly question.

Boys. I feel you girl.

Watch a Cape Verdean singer named Lura here.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Brownies and philosophy

My entire day today revolved around coffee with an old coworker in Lisbon. It included this:


Yum. I also have a picture of him but I have not been authorized to post it and I am a good friend and stick to my word. Let's just say Carl may or may not have blue eyes, look like a gringo but act like a latino. ;) We talked for about three and a half hours on very deep and philosophical subjects. Hate is something active and destructive, he explained, unlike just "not liking" something or someone, which is passive. We debated the difference between pornography and art, him saying it is in the explicit nature and me saying it is in the intention of the artist. I talked and talked, going off tangents here and there, and talking too fast according to him, about family, inheritances, addictions, mental health, my youth group, the similarities between child-rearing and dog-training. You know, the usual.

He is also waiting for something, although he was very secretive about what it was, and that his waiting period would last a few months. Which just makes me ten times more curious. He also agreed that waiting is generally an unpleasant experience. He gave me a good suggestion about where to look for a job, this portuguese website. Here's to hoping.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Amélie

I am happy I sent my blog to almost everyone I know. The feedback I have gotten has made me feel incredibly loved. Thank you. I have a new reason to add for blogging on the "about Julie" page: to keep in touch with people I care about that are far away.

I am also still unemployed. Just a little background: I quit my stable job at the end of the school year because I got another one I like a million, GAZILLION times better but since it involves a fundraising process I was planning on getting a temporary job in the meantime. In Semptember, I got a call from a not-very-nice-but-is-in-the-position-to-get-me-a-job-so-I-have-to-be-fake-and-nice person telling me he had a full-time substitution teaching position (which was EXACTLY what I was hoping for) but I had to start right away (two days from when he was calling) and of course he couldn't wait a week. I, however, was in the Azores at my parent's house and was just about to start the week I had reserved to shut myself inside and not see the light of day so that I could MAKE myself write my thesis. So basically I had to choose: job and money or write my thesis and not pay late fines every month like I had been doing for the past year. After a decision-making process of intense pain and suffering, I decided on the thesis and explained the situation to the guy and he said he would probably have something else in a month. Well, it's been well over a month and when I call him his secretary tells me he has my number and I shouldn't call back. Jerk.

I am trying not to stress out about it and learn to be patient. The only downfall is that my money will run out by the end of the month and I will probably have to ask my parents for help (BIG bummer). I was thinking yesterday, though, that all of last year I had been thinking "I will be so happy when I finish my thesis", "my life will be complete", "I will feel free"... and now that I finished and am relieved about that I have a new "problem" I am worrying about: not having a job. And I'm ignoring all the wonderful things that came with my decision, like for example:

·         turning in and being proud of my thesis
·         having had more vacation time that allowed me time with my family and a week in the Azores with Danny
·         time when I came back to Lisbon to establish routines and FINALLY, for the first time, get some disciplined habits like waking up at the same time, running, making meal plans and praying
·         realizing what relationships are important in my life and trying to figure out how to make time for them
·         realizing that work is not the most important thing, that it's definitely not what would make me want to survive after a plane crash
·         realizing that my routines, simple pleasures and relationships are what would
·         feeling happy and really alive, more than I have ever felt since I have been in Portugal
·         having time to start a blog, which made me feel creative in a way I haven't felt since I moved to Portugal

So why worry so much? I know God can give me a job when He wants to, I just am having a really hard time having to ask for money and telling people I am unemployed (especially my landlady and cousin... embarrassing! humiliating!)


Meanwhile, in other exciting events of my life, I helped my sister make a great dinner yesterday. Quiche and a yummy pea and mint soup:
  
And we watched Amélie. GREAT movie. Apparently everyone's favorite. Here are my favorite things about the movie:
·         I have Amélie's haircut.
·         She also lives alone.
·         Her boyfriend kind of looked like and reminded me of Danny.
·         I loved the "simple pleasures" she had, like putting her hand in a bag of beans at the market.
·         Her doing completely random and weird acts of love for the people around her made me really want to start doing things like that.
·         How at the porn/strip shop where her boyfriend worked the the lady asked him why he was so interested in knowing more about Amélie (they hadn't met yet) and he said, "Because of that, the mystery."... to which she replied, "Right, you don't find that here." (mystery! totally Theology of the Body!)

Having a blog is definitely making me appreciate my life and myself just a teeny bit more. In the words of a person I highly admire, "I hope that everyday you find peace in being yourself." Beautiful, huh?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Sushi

Spinach soup and
vegetable curry
I had a great weekend. Mini-dreams came true on friday: first a silly one, in which I was thinking "I need to eat more spinach" and ate lunch at a place that happened to have a spinach cream soup that inspired me to make spinach cream soups at home.




Plus, I've always wanted to go to more classical concerts, especially piano. Danny and I got free tickets from our new musician friend... two mini-dreams coming true: concerts and dates. It was a great, great night. 

Sunday was a great day for various reasons. My youth group was definitely the highlight. There is real transformation happening in the lives of some of the teens and I am so happy and privileged to be a part of it. SO honored to have their trust.

I love going on the train to Lisbon on Sunday morning because you see millions of people walking, biking, rollerblading, etc. along the beach and river.


I ate out for lunch, something I don't like doing especially on a Sunday. I have this theory though that a good reason for eating out, other than being with people that are important to you of course, is to eat food you couldn't make at home. So at least I had two good reasons for eating out: to hang out with my sister and to eat YUMMY Japanese food. I <3 sushi. That might sound snobby but it's true. It's so clean and delicious and nutritious. I <3 miso soup.  

My sister and her new smart car


Yummy, delectable sushi
...is your mouth watering?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Aloe vera... does a stomach good

I got my hopes up about the job but apparently it's not time yet. I'm trying really hard not to worry. I read an interesting post here today about getting what you ask for in prayer. I have realized for a while now that I talk more than I listen to God and today I started timing how long I can "do silence" for. I did five minutes and it was hard. I'll try to increase that each day. Mother Teresa says it all starts with silence:

The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace. (quotes)


Being unemployed, I "did" this silence at the beach, where people were doing lots of fun things:

Plus I scraped some gel out of a leaf from my aloe vera plant for the first time. I got the idea to get an aloe vera plant because I am obsessed with this yogurt from Pingo Doce supermarket that has pieces of aloe vera in it. Apparently aloe is just as good for your stomach as it is for your skin... it's delicious and makes you feel great about eating it. So my mom and I bought matching aloe vera plants this summer. I admire how she is always so open to new ideas.



My cute mom

I read tutorials about how to get the aloe gel out of the leaves, but it didn't go quite according to plan. I was expecting a huge chunk of gel, but instead got a little blob:


That's okay! Enough to divide among my four little yogurt cups:


Yum! I'm excited about suddenly and inexplicably having the discipline to get up at the same time every day, run, plan my meals and rest! They say all these good habits such as eating yummy things and exercising only have benefits if you stick with them regularly over time. (I really hope I will!) Taking good care of ourselves makes us feel good (they say just five minutes of nature a day keeps depression away)... but also to be able to take care of ourselves we have to feel good (I'm thinking of people that can't stick to diets or the elderly that neglect their personal higiene). Which one comes first, taking care of ourselves or feeling good? Seems like a chicken and egg situation. My vote is for the feeling good coming first because that's how I finished my thesis (after coming back from Taize) and how I'm managing discipline now (after praying about it!).

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I can call myself Portuguese: I made a good soup

Today was a productive day. I've been getting up early and running, which highly impresses my landlady. It's really encouraging to hear that she is impressed! The two major tricks that help me get up early are putting the alarm clock outside my bedroom, so I have to get up, and leaving the house right away.

Then I reached a HUGE milestone in my life: I finally made good soup. The last soup I made was the right consistency but had so much salt it almost wasn't edible. Finally today I made a perfect soup using these ingredients:

I cheated and added a vegetable broth packet...
Is that cheating?




Voila!
  

Then I made another important discovery. I've always made scrambled eggs and never really liked them... they were just too thick and eggy. After seeing a recipe here about using one egg, one egg white and cottage cheese (I used requeijao)... I want to make delicious, fluffy eggs everyday! I made them with guacamole, just like IGE's recipe, and it was yummy:

And so as not to be stuck at home all day, and seeing as I live 15min from the beach, I went there to read and plan and write. I am being so impatient about finding a temporary job... money is really starting to worry me. I'm realizing it's one thing to trust God rationally, like I know He can get me a job if He wants and He's got it under control, but it's quite another thing to not worry feelings-wise. But... as if in answer to my prayers someone called me about a job at the end of the day. We'll see how it goes!

The beautiful ocean today

The end of an era

I already failed my second day of blogging. I guess I have to be patient... I set all these schedules for myself (blog once a day mon-fri) and get frustrated when it doesn't happen.

I was busy with something important though. I FINALLY officially turned in my THESIS:


All 6 copies


I had to reprint all six cover pages because I accidentally left the parentheses in!


Well, you think that after suffering for two long years thinking, "I have to write my thesis, I have to write my thesis" and turning it in a year late, after paying late fees every month, I'd feel incredibly happy and fulfilled. I was left feeling kind of sad and worried actually. Worried because with the pressure of turning it in quick so as not to pay more, I had the feeling I should've read it more carefully. A feeling confirmed five minutes after turning it in when I discovered TWO mistakes (minor mistakes...). I'm hoping that's just the normal perfectionist feeling everyone gets because there is always something you could've corrected. And I don't really know why I felt the sad part. I'm officially done studying? The end of an era? Scared of it being graded?

There were many things I learned with this whole thesis-being-late-process this last year:
  1. God's time, not my time: A friend told me in an email when it was the right time it would flow and I would just write and write and write. I didn't believe it at the time but that's exactly what happened. During one year I stressed out about it, obsessively tried making time for it, felt bad about not writing it... and then in a week in the Azores I just wrote and wrote and wrote, like twelve hours a day just stopping to eat!
  2. Giving up control: I used to be judgmental toward people who couldn't stick to diets but now I totally understand. I felt like I physically/emotionally/whatever couldn't make time and discipline myself to write my thesis. I'd try, couldn't, and then would punish myself by not going out or having fun. It was a horrible cycle. I really felt what people with addicitions must feel about having to give up control of a problem you can't fix yourself.
  3. I felt happier in the process of writing it, learning all the amazing things I was learning, than the actual process now of turning it in, being scared of going to discuss it and getting a grade.
When leaving my university, with all these mixed feelings, I saw one of my favorite flowers. I love the red. I have a new appreciation for flowers now because of my landlady.

Friday, October 08, 2010

Simple Life

My very first post! How exciting. I thought that the most fitting topic to start any blog off with, especially one that wants to focus on the simple pleasures of life, is my dog!

Spice, a 10-year-old Jack Russell Terrier that is in all seriousness the most beautiful dog I have ever seen in my life. Ever. Unfortunately she doesn't live with me, but with my parents. I think dogs are the absolute masters in teaching us about how to live in the present and appreciate life. Eat, sleep and play... pretty simple. And enjoy walks and nature... roll around in grass whenever you have the chance. Every time I see really fresh-looking shady grass I think of how if she were with me she would run and lay in it, stretching her legs out and sniffing it with pure joy.

Spice spends most of her life sleeping (with a pink blanket she carefully fluffs each time before entering her bed):



And her favorite season of the year is summer, when the sun warms our patio. Then she spends her whole day sunbathing: alternating between laying out in the hot, hot sun, coming in panting, drinking water, laying on the cold tiles, then repeating the whole process over and over again:



It's a dog's life!

"Spend my days in the sweet sunshine,
rock in my swing and watch my garden grow,
know that I'll always have someone to hold,
oh I wanna live the simple life!"