"This winter has been rough... we've never had a winter like this before," my coworker casually commented about the weather yesterday.
I took it as a comment about the weather in my soul, which has definitely been accompanying the weather outside. I feel like a baby, because maybe all my winters have been hard and I don't want to be a complainer. Last year was a pretty horrible winter, a lot worse than this one. I was commuting almost 2 hours each way to work, doing something I didn't believe in, fraught with insecurity and seriously neglecting my physical needs.
This winter is difficult but in a different way. I'm on an adventure. I feel like I was clearly invited on this adventure. It makes perfect sense for my life but at the same time is wilder and better than I could've ever imagined. It was definitely God's idea and planning. Yet, the path that was so clear in the summer had some curves along the way I wasn't expecting. Actually the path didn't go at all the direction I was expecting... why does that seem to happen with EVERYTHING in my life since I invited God into it? Hmm. I am financially unstable, emotionally unstable, have relationships in my life that took a serious blow. This path is making me impatient, vulnerable, unsure, scared, angry. Yet it is also making me find in the impatience that what really counts is the journey, a strength in the vulnerability, in my incertainty the need to trust fully, in the fear a hand that guides me and in the anger... well I haven't found anything in the anger yet. I'm still in the middle of it.
Today I read posts about God-sized dreams here and here. God tells us nothing is impossible to he that believes. And He also tells us to have faith like a child. And children dream. They love adventures, will take your hand and trust you will lead the way on any adventure. They definitely live in the moment and appreciate the journey.
Today I had one of those curves along the path I wasn't expecting. I had to go back to my old job without having my new job yet and try to explain that to people. I realize that this adventure I'm on doesn't quite make sense to most people on the outside (although to a precious few, it does!) and on these curves it doesn't even make sense to me. I didn't lie to people today and tell them everything is great, and running perfectly, because it's not. I said that it's hard but it's what I want and what makes me happy. They seemed to understand that.
What I meant to say is that it's a God-sized dream. Even though it's hard, it is worth it. It is something crazy, unthinkable and wild... but it is freeing and invigorating. It is something I love, something that is transforming me slowly from the inside, something that is using all the talents I never imagined I have. It is making me trust God more, step outside my comfort zone, meet amazing and Jesus-loving people. I want to be more like a kid: trust more, hold God's hand, not be afraid to fall, play, use my imagination, run and be free.
|My orchid has buds in the middle of winter. |
Hoping it will bloom soon...
|My God-sized dream|