Consideratio

Why is it that now that I decided to express gratitude every monday my feelings go the exact opposite direction? Why, instead of overflowing with gratitude, I could more easily list complaints?

Gratitude is not an easy thing. It doesn't come naturally. I think, especially in the hard, winter times, it's a gift from above and I can only ask for it to come more naturally to me.

Still, God is whispering to me. I'm too busy to hear! Too busy rushing, worrying about money and thinking about the future. God whispers quietly for me to refocus.

I am thankful for the 2nd grade teacher at my work, the only one that talks to me, waiting for me to finish today and asking if I needed I ride.

I am thankful for the wonderful people I will work with sometime in the near future.

I am thankful for the wonderful, huge things God makes happen without needing me at all.

For Him having everything under control.

For the sweet, open eyes of teenagers that give spontaneous hugs.

For finding firewood at the nearby Lidl (now to find the courage to make a fire! :P)

For health and having time/money/knowledge to take care of mine.

For the movie Science of Sleep I watched yesterday.

For playing and laughter.

For art and creativity, and for having a brilliant idea for a craft.

For the week seeming more manageable.

For the little creature that stayed with me this weekend, for teaching me about enjoying simple pleasures such as sunbathing and being vulnerable (showing your tummy in surrender)

For Pope Benedict's quote and for knowing I should rest in God (now to DO it?):

Do not become utterly absorbed in activism! There would be so much to do that one could be working on it constantly. And that is precisely the wrong thing. Not becoming totally absorbed in activism means maintaining consideratio — discretion, deeper examination, contemplation, time for interior pondering, vision, and dealing with things, remaining with God and meditating about God. One should not feel obliged to work ceaselessly; this in itself is important for everyone, too, for instance, every manager, too, and even more so for a Pope. He has to leave many things to others so as to maintain his inner view of the whole, his interior recollection, from which the view of what is essential can proceed. -Pope Benedict XVI, Light of the World, with Peter Seewald

My weekend guest and our matching sweaters

Mushroom Stroganoff

Here is a really simple stroganoff recipe. So this isn't really american, technically it's russian, but I didn't know where to fit it in!

The ingredients:

4 tablespoons butter

1/2 onion, chopped

sliced mushrooms

2 garlic cloves, chopped

1 teaspoon paprika, 1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes, salt and pepper

1 tablespoon flour

2 tablespoons lemon juice

1/2 cup cream

(rice)

The recipe:

Saute onion in butter for a few minutes. Add the mushrooms and saute for about ten minutes, until the juices are almost gone. Add the spices and garlic for 30 seconds. Add the flour and mix. Then the lemon juice and cream. Bring to a simmer and take off heat. Serve over rice!

Mormon mommy blogs

Last year, I started reading the NieNie dialogues and it really impacted my life. Ridiculous, right? How a blog can impact your life? Well, it happened.

I was in a difficult phase, in which I was overworking myself and focusing way too much on the wrong things. NieNie showed me a glimpse of a life in which she made time for the important things: appreciating her husband, going on weekly dates, running and doing yoga, making delicious vegetarian meals for her four kids, making her house and life beautiful with crafts and art. It was a stark contrast to my life: not making time or appreciating the relationships in my life, not making exercise and cooking a priority, not beautifying life but working myself like crazy for things that weren't even fulfilling!

I read an article that expresses the beauty of "mormon mommy blogs" very well and I think in part expresses my fascination too. Here is the link and here are my favorite quotes:

Their lives are nothing like mine -- I'm your standard-issue late-20-something childless overeducated atheist feminist -- yet I'm completely obsessed with their blogs.

"They have lovely homes, picture-perfect kids, loving, super-attentive husbands, and things seem very normal and calm," writes a commenter named BrookeD, who admits to reading five Mormon blogs daily.

To read Mormon lifestyle blogs is to peer into a strange and fascinating world where the most fraught issues of modern living -- marriage and child rearing -- appear completely unproblematic. This seems practically subversive to someone like me, weaned on an endless media parade of fretful stories about "work-life balance" and soaring divorce rates and the perils of marrying too young/too old/too whatever.

Indeed, Mormon bloggers like Holbrook make marriage and motherhood seem, well, fun. Easy. Joyful. These women seem relaxed and untouched by cynicism. They throw elaborate astronaut-themed birthday parties for their kids and go on Sunday family drives to see the fall leaves change and get mani-pedis with their friends. They often have close, large extended families; moms and sisters are always dropping in to watch the kids or help out with cake decorating. Their lives seem adorable and old-fashioned and comforting.

But the basic messages expressed in these blogs -- family is wonderful, life is meant to be enjoyed, celebrate the small things -- are still lovely. And if they help women like me envision a life in which marriage and motherhood could potentially be something other than a miserable, soul-destroying trap, I say, "Right on."

NieNie's colorful walls, from one of her oldest posts here

Naked

This week I had a minor breakdown.

How do you praise God when the things you feel you need are being taken from you? When the darkness closes in and you can't see? When you are scared... no, terrified... and nothing goes as you wanted it to?

I guess that's the challenge in the spiritual life. Fittingly, I got to the book of Job in my morning Bible reading and this verse really struck me:

"Naked I came forth from my mother's womb,

and naked shall I go back again.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

blessed be the name of the Lord!" Job 1,21

It's true... we come with nothing to this world. We'll leave naked. And that's the most important... our vulnerability, our nakedness.

"When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say blessed be the name of the Lord..."
"Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering..."
"You give and take away, my heart will choose to say blessed be your name..."

Generosity

One thing about having less money and trying to live more "simply" because of it is that you appreciate gifts more.

I am kind of greedy with clothes, even though it may not seem like it (!), and used to be constantly unhappy with my wardrobe. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what kinds of clothes I wanted, waste time and money looking for them. I usually ended up unhappy after having them anyway. Now that I don't buy clothes anymore, I am finally, after years, starting to appreciate the clothes I have in my closet. Realizing I don't need more. Realizing I can match things I have in different ways. I don't know if it's a coincidence, but the presents I get from people seem to be things I needed and I appreciate them much more since I don't buy things for myself. Like a simple green scarf I got for Christmas. I wear it all the time, it's my favorite scarf and it makes me feel instantly cozy when I put it on. I never wear the other scarves I spent lots of time and energy into imagining and buying. Like rainboots that I couldn't even have imagined more adorable.

I loved the Reese's my sister brought to my house, the cake recipe a friend gave me on Sunday, food people sometimes try to give me when I have dinner at their house, the chocolates my landlady gave me for Christmas. I think they disappeared in a day.

It's like things have more value when you couldn't have bought them yourself and have less things. You're instantly more appreciative. So you appreciate generosity more. Even God's generosity.

Of course I appreciated the fact that when I asked a friend if I could sleep over last night, with some fear of being a burden, I was welcomed with arms wide open. I really appreciated a warm bed (warmer than mine!), a warm shower, tea, her time and friendship.

And the cherry on the top? She gave me socks! For me to sleep in and keep. If that's not extreme hospitality, I don't know what is. Aren't they the cutest?

"Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2

Multitudes on Mondays

I was planning on writing these gratitudes lists on mondays, but today is especially hard to write what I'm grateful for. I feel very ungrateful. I could list about twenty complaints right now very easily... but write my blessings? I don't feel like it. I'm mad, a little sad. Like a kid, stomping my foot.

Maybe because of that, it's all the more important to express my gratitude. Because God my be allowing me to go through some trial, but what is that compared to the blessings He's continually sustaining me with, even though I am having a hard time seeing it right now. The Bible talks a lot about praising God in the midst of hardship. It's easy to praise God when everything is going perfectly, but so difficult when things get hard. Yet still God calls us to open up to the joy he still wants to give us! "The joy of the Lord is my strength" (Nehemiah 8,10).

So here goes:

1. I am thankful for my family pizza dinner last Saturday, which was cozy and fun
2. having family nearby
3. a clean, safe house for shelter
4. warm, clean clothes
5. a warm shower this morning
6. buying fresh bread every few days at bakeries
7. warm oatmeal with kiwi and rasberries
8. having Jesus to lean on
9. a fireplace (I have yet to use!)
10. the beach I can visit each morning
11. an income until March
12. hope
13. scarves, gloves, hats
14. owning a cake pan (my first try at cake was a disaster, hopefully they will get better!)
15. eating chocolate with peanut butter spread on
16. dancing in my living room
17. Mother Teresa quotes:

"Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God - the rest will be given."

"Without patience, we will learn less in life. We will see less. We will feel less. We will hear less. Ironically, rush and more usually mean less."

"God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try."


My first cake...
looked good on the outside, but then the knife wouldn't go through.
Better luck next time?!

If I die young...

My fish tacos today. I love my mexican theme cooking week. It's my favorite week. My mexican food isn't very authentic, but there's just something about making something wonderful com out of simple ingredients that makes you proud. Something about eating your own homemade tortillas that makes you happy throughout the day.

I'm obsessed with this song, "If I die young..." by The Band Perry. It's kind of morbid but hey, death is a part of life. As she says, "well, I've had just enough time". If I die young (knock on wood...hopefully that doesn't happen), I'd like people to play this song and know I'm happy and shining down as a rainbow.

If I die young, bury me in satin, lay me down on a bed of roses,

sink me in the river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song...

Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother,

She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors...

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom...

Don't you just love country music?

Dessert: Coffee brigadeiros

These are yummy!

Ingredients:

1 can condensed milk

1 tablespoon butter

3 tablespoons cocoa powder

1 tablespoon ground coffee (cafe soluvel)

sprinkles (they're supposed to be brown :P)

Recipe:

Heat all ingredients except for sprinkles in a saucepan.

Stir constantly over low heat for 10 minutes. It should've thickened and pull back from the pan easily.

Transfer to a bowl and let cool.

Rub butter on your hands and make little balls out of the mixture. Roll in sprinkles.

I would suggest doubling the recipe, as these disappear fast! :)

Seguranca social = evil?

"Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good." Rm 12,21

Can seguranca social (social security) be considered evil? I'm not sure. All I know is that when I saw that Bible verse this morning, all I could think was "I will CONQUER seguranca social today!!!"

I went armed with books, things to do, snacks, determined to not be angry with the long lines and rude customer service. Today I only waited TWO hours (victory?) and the lady that helped me would've taken 1 minute to explain to me I am an idiot and there is nothing she could do for me, except for the fact that I insisted and asked lots of questions, so she took about 5 minutes.

After these five minutes of being talked down to and many disapproving frowns, I gave up and left. I had all these expectations that my situation would be resolved, but I left feeling like I just could never get seguranca social right. And I couldn't help crying. Wimp? Hyper-sensitive? Probably, I know.

As I walked down the street toward the train station, I remembered the Bible verse. No, I was being conquered by evil! And suddenly I noticed the ocean. Way off in the distance, past the ugly buildings covered in graffiti, the sun was shining on God's creation and it looked beautiful.

Can you see it... the ocean?

I wiped away my tears and felt a little better. It's true our world is pretty messed up sometimes, with much worse things than seguranca social (I'm a baby!), but God is still there, conquering evil with good and making things beautiful.

I got home way earlier than expected and had time to wash my third and last load of laundry, hang it out to dry in the SUN (yay, the sun is coming back!), eat yummy homemade pizza, soup, drink green tea, plan my classes and blog.

My landlady's beautiful plants leading up
to my clothes, drying

Sunny day! :)

Goat cheese and broccoli, great pizza toppings

Evil has been conquered. At least for today, anyway.

Meias de leite

I love meias de leite. Just coffee and milk, can't get much simpler.

I love them so much I drink them very rarely. I like to save them for special occasions, only when I go out with someone.

Well, I drank them everyday in the Azores. But that was a two-week special occasion.

I love putting my hands around the warm cup.

One time, I was really, really sad for reasons I can't disclose on this blog. Something terrible had just happened and I couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was falling apart and like my insides were fluid. The worst part was, I had to spend the whole day with people I couldn't tell about my problem and had to pretend I was happy. I spent the whole lunch fighting back tears and trying not to talk so I wouldn't cry.

Then I had a meia de leite.

As soon as I felt the milky coffee warmth go down my throat, my insides went from fluid to solid. I felt INSTANTLY better. I felt INCREDIBLY comforted. It was AMAZING. I stopped crying. I felt a little better. My mom says it's a chemical reaction from the milk. I say it's the meia de leite.

Today a meia de leite made my morning special. I spent FIVE hours all together WAITING at seguranca social (social security). I was mad, things were unorganized, people were incompetent. I left to get a meia de leite. I was refocused on the important things.

Ah, meia de leite. How do I love thee?

Birthday boy

Today, almost three decades ago, a very special boy was born.

He is not like any other boy you've ever met. Just ask his mom. She'll tell you. If you tell her he's cute, she'll correct you saying he's BEAUTIFUL.

Usually moms are biased. However, I would have to say this mom is quite correct.

This boy is handsome, charming and clever. He'll steal your heart, so stay away.

He'll help with anything you need helping with: washing the dishes, pizzas, cardiac arrest.

He'll listen to anything you have to say and respect it too. He can have a dialogue with anyone, genuinely interested in their point of view, without feeling scared or threatened.

He'll eat anything you cook with love, no matter how burned or salty.

He'll forgive and tolerate very difficult people you don't even want to be near.

He'll say and three euro New Year's was the best New Year's he's ever had precisely because it was simple.

He is simple.

He'll tell you a lot of things that come straight from the heart and and will melt yours.

He will get really excited about your achievements and be giddy when you do things like discuss your thesis.

He will make ANY small group or sharing absolutely wonderful. Just try him. Give him a small group. He knows how to be completely honest without any hidden agendas. You will never meet anyone with this secret super talent.

He will dance at any event as if no one was watching. He will dance better than you of course.

He will visit you in the hospital. He will stop everything he is doing to visit you if you are sick, even if you are not related to him.

He will make your New Year's the best New Year's ever. Just by being there.

He will hopefully have a special day, year and many more special years.

Vulnerability

This morning a couple dropped me off at my house after a meeting and came into my house just to see it. I've had dinner at their house once and we aren't that close yet, but something weird got into me, and as we were standing by the door before they left I started talking and talking and talking and before I knew it I had told them my whole life story! All my relationship and life issues I've been thinking about lately. I made myself vulnerable.

Then my friend Sofia posted a video today on facebook I really liked about one of my favorite topics ever... vulnerability.

I am intrigued by the topic of vulnerability because it seems to hit at the very essence of living and loving. It is hard to be vulnerable, but you have to if you want to love someone. Like Saint Paul says, when I am weak, THEN I am strong. Kids are vulnerable, yet they are also a lot more resilient than adults. I came across vulnerability in my thesis, and it's beautiful in the Bible to see that God made himself vulnerable for us. Real love puts itself out there where there is a risk of getting hurt.

A few of my favorite quotes from this video:

• "Connection is why we're here. It's what gives meaning and purpose to our lives." (um Theology of the Body! It's what John Paul II calls communion of persons)
• "In order for connection to happen, we have to let ourselves be seen and really be seen."
• "Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it that I won't be worthy of connection? The things I can tell you about it: It's universal, we all have it, the only people that don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it and the less you talk about it the more you have it."
• "You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort."
• Ways people describe vulnerability: "willingness to say I love you first, do something where there are no guarantees, invest in a relationship that may or may not work out"
• People that have love and belonging in their lives are those that feel they are worthy of love and belonging

I have been scared to say I love you first to people in general, wanting to be secure in knowing they like me before telling them how much I admire them. I want to let myself be really seen more, not trying to look perfect but showing my weaknesses, trials and real feelings.

How are you vulnerable?

Corn dogs

I made corndogs.

They were good.
I was proud.

:)

Dancing in my living room

One of the things I would like to do more of in 2011 is dance. In my living room. By myself. Really.

Have you ever danced by yourself when no one was watching? I have once or twice, and once I did it with a special someone. :) This year I want to do it more, all the time. It will be easier now that I have a dvd player and plan on playing CDs while I'm cooking/cleaning/etc.

Like this:

Reflects my thoughts entirely:

"Baby, why don't we just turn that TV off?

315 channels of nothing but bad news on.

Well it might be me, but the way I see it

the whole wide world has gone crazy

so baby why don't we just dance?"

Not just dancing for dancing's sake, but more spontaneity, art, creativity, music and silliness.

And if you loved Josh Turner and want more of him, watch the sexiest music video (PS it's his wife that's in the video with him!): Your Man by Josh Turner

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!!!