Friday, February 25, 2011

"I just want to be perfect..."

This week I went a little easier on myself, but only towards the end of the week.

I've always struggled with perfectionism, but recently I am more aware of how bad it is for me. I like having a clean house, an empty inbox, a stocked refrigerator and a checked-off to-do list. Is that so bad? I would like to get grades, be a good at my job, be a social butterfly, be in shape, go to cool places and have a perfect wardrobe. Is that so bad?

I am realizing it is. I really like a quote from Queen Rania:

"If you are trying to be a perfectionist, then you're always going for either 100 percent or zero, which means that you go through life averaging 50 percent," she said. "But if you accept the 70 percent, then you're averaging 70 percent in your life, which is better. Once I realized that, I started to just be a little kinder to myself. To say to myself that, you know, sometimes I won't be able to do this." source


I have activities for almost every weeknight but I still want to get up at seven in the morning and go running. The result? I have consistently laid in bed for the past weeks, trying unsuccessfully to get out of bed. Sometimes I have so many things planned and to do I have to cancel and end up feeling guilty. Aiming for the 100% makes me feel bad when I don't get it. When I feel bad, I get lazy/guilty and do 0%. Like Queen Rania, I am trying to be kinder to myself and accept just doing 70% of the things I'd like to do. Trying to LET GO...

"I just want to be perfect."
"Perfection is not just about control. It's also about letting go."
(from Black Swan, source)

I've heard that perfectionism is the opposite of holiness and I would have to agree. Letting go, accepting God's plans, listening to what God wants me to do... that's the beginning of holiness. NOT trying to please everyone in everything... JUST trying to please God. This summer I met a father of eight homeschooled kids that wore birkenstocks and was the most laid-back person I've ever met. He wanted to chat with me about Portugal. "I love chatting," he told me. I don't have time for chatting, I thought. I ended up going off-topic and telling him about my perfectionist worries, all the things I had to do and conferences I had to organize. He looked confused. And a little worried for me. He said, "We don't have to do anything. All we have to do is pray." Those words were really important for me.

I have been thinking about that this week. This post at Conversion Diary got me thinking about what I really think is important... what I'd like my 70% to be. And what do I need to say no to? One of the people I need to say no to is my perfectionist self.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Mexican PIZZA: black beans and corn

Los tres amigos:
Las tres pizzas:


Make your pizza base (dough, sauce and cheese), but add some barbeque sauce to the tomato sauce.

A few tablespoons:
And mix it around:
Don't leave it out! The barbeque sauce is what makes it extra tasty.

Top with 2 cans of blackbeans and two mini cans of corn.
Other suggestions: put on less corn and beans, add roasted tomatoes/onions/zucchini.
Top with cilantro or avocado and lime.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Luv vs. love


(From lifeteen.com)

Love.
Gooey, sappy, sweet, dreamy, flittering, sparkling… love. We fall in it, we make fools of ourselves for it, we buy cards and candies and flowers and who knows what else to show how much we have it. It’s love.

Love.
Painful, sacrificial, self-giving, uncomfortable, forgiving, humbling, heartbreaking… love. We die for it, we endure ridicule in it, we turn our cheeks because of it, we abandon our own personal desires to chase it. It’s love.

Girls also don’t want a “nice” guy who is boring, numb, or lazy. Girls want a guy who is passionate—a guy who will fight for what he believes in, a guy who will pursue her heart, and a guy who will lay down his life for love. The most desired man in all of history was, is, and will be Jesus Christ—not a “nice” guy, but a man who overturned the money changers’ tables in the temple area to defend its sacredness, a man who proposed to leave 99 self-righteous in order to pursue one repentant heart, and a man who courageously endured scourging, beating, mocking and death to lay His life down for ours out of love, which we appropriately call the “Passion.”
from What a girl really wants in a guy @lifeteen.com

Of course, the hard part is that everyone wants the roses but no one wants the thorns; everyone wants heaven but nobody wants to die. God, the rose’s Creator, didn’t design it that way though. Jesus rose on Easter Sunday, but not before He endured Friday’s thorns.



This week I thought I had love figured out. I'm waiting out for the ideal. Then I realized I know absolutely nothing about love. It's scary, confusing and demanding. It's so hard to hear what God wants when our very rights and self-preservation instincts are on the line. Theology of the Body says that marriage should be a sign of God's love in the world: people should look at a married couple/family and think, "wow, that's how God loves!" Of course it should be ideal, the two in a perfect mutual self-giving and communion.

Or should it be ideal? It's a sign of God's trinitarian love, but maybe it can also be a sign of God's love for us. The Old Testment is a constant repetition of stories about God's faithful love towards us and our infidelity and inability to receive that love. What about marriages where one spouse loves unconditionally and whole-heartedly even when the other spouse cheats/drinks/etc.? Isn't that a sign of love?

"The way we came to know love was that he laid down his life for us; so we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." 1 John 3,16

"If we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us." 1 John 4,12

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Waking up to rain

Before Christmas, I was getting pretty good at keeping up a routine of waking up early and running every morning. I read this article and started putting my alarm clock outside my bedroom with my running clothes right next to it.

But then I discovered I could just let it ring, eventually it would stop and I could keep sleeping. There went the running. I haven't been waking up early or running regulary since Christmas. And there is no better way to start your day and really REST than waking up before the sun is up and running, let me tell you! I prayed about it for a while and then I figured out I could program my alarm clock to go off every minute during 10 minutes. And I got up to go running today!

I navigated my way through puddles...


And finally got to the gloomy, cloudy, windy beach...


The forecast predicted it would rain EVERY SINGLE day this week. And it has. Today it thundered, rained and the wind blew so strong my third-grade students yelled, "it's a tornado, it's a tornado!!!" with real fear.

It's definitely how I feel inside. What is with this winter, anyway? Is there any hope of spring? My only hope is that this rain might be to make my heart a garden...

"You walk with me, you never leave, you're making my heart a garden":

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

2 Amalias

Her Two Fridas...
Two Fridas by Frida Kahlo
My two Amalias...


I am oh so proud of my first major craft. It turned out great, was so fulfilling to make and is better and cheaper than any artwork I could've bought! I made two, one for me and one for my friend.



Here's how I made it:

1. Was inspired by the very same stencil painting by my coworker. Looked up helpful articles like this one online that talked about making stencils.

2. Bought a four euro canvas and painted it a pink base color I had imagined in my head (by mixing red and light blue paint I already had!). Let it dry completely.

3. Printed out a black and white picture on four sheets of paper. Cut the black parts out. (If you have transparencies, you can put them over the black and white picture, color the black parts in on the transparency and then cut the black parts out on the transparency. A transparency is easier to cut.

4. Lightly taped my stencil (printed page with black parts cut out) on the canvas. Painted black over the stencil.

5. Took the stencil off and voila!

6. My stencil is a picture of a Portuguese singer named Amalia Rodrigues. On my painting I wrote one of my favorite lines from her songs: "It's not a disgrace/misfortune to be poor, it's not a disgrace/misfortune to be crazy." I feel like it sums up my life at this point in time. ;)

7. Hung it up on my living room wall and admired how wonderful, beautiful, homemade, cheap and PERFECT it is!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Rest

I have been thinking a lot about how to rest better. Not more, but better. At the beginning of this school year, I was doing really well at running everyday, eating well and sleeping. Now, my life has gotten out of control busy somehow and I'm having problems in calming it back down. What to cut out when it all seems essential? What to say no to and what to make time for?

I really identified with this article, especially when she says, "When I felt like I needed to start slowing down a few months ago, I took that literally. I spent more time on the couch. I crossed items off my to-do list. And I felt worse. 'You’re a dreamer,' my husband goes on, 'You need to be free to chase ideas, move toward the future, try new things. That’s what renews you.'"

This week I made time for painting and it was definitely the high point of my whole week. It also made me think a lot about what is resting and what is not:

What doesn't make me feel rested:
  • spending too much time online, either answering emails or searching for things
  • going to activities I am planning
  • not being able to get up at the time I want to in the morning, laying in bed
  • dirty dishes or a dirty house, not having time to clean
  • being alone for too long
  • spending the day trying to cross things off my checklist
  • spending the entire day cleaning and cooking
What makes me feel rested:
  • sleeping 9 hours
  • baking
  • easy food
  • running, biking... any outside exercise
  • sitting or reading in the sun
  • dancing in my living room
  • watching a movie with friends (but not by myself, interestingly enough)
  • having friends over for dinner at my house
  • having a heart-to-heart conversation
  • hearing an inspiring conference or reading an inspiring book
  • music (playing it, hearing it...)
  • being creative
  • painting -->
I will show you next week what I painted! ;)

For Christians, Sunday is "the fundamental feastday", established not only to mark the succession of time but to reveal time's deeper meaning. — John Paul II, Dies Domini

The Sunday precept is not, therefore, an externally imposed duty, a burden on our shoulders. On the contrary, taking part in the Celebration, being nourished by the Eucharistic Bread and experiencing the communion of their brothers and sisters in Christ is a need for Christians, it is a joy; Christians can thus replenish the energy they need to continue on the journey we must make every week. — Homily of Pope Benedict XVI, Sunday, May 29, 2005.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

When the sun hits your eye like a big pizza pie...

that's amore...

I've been making pizza every Saturday. Trying to make it a habit. Not only is it the best food ever to repeat every week, but it's also fun, creative and good for company. Making the dough and sauce yourself will make you SO proud of yourself!

The ingredients:

(for the sauce)
6-8 garlic cloves, chopped
4 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 kg crushed tomatoes
1/4 cup red wine
1 tablespoon honey
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon dried basil, parsely and oregano

(for the dough, makes three pizzas)
11/4 cups warm water
packet yeast
1/4 cup olive oil
2 cups white flour, 2 cups whole wheat flour
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon salt

The recipe:

(for the sauce)
Saute garlic in olive oil for a minute or two with red pepper flakes. Add all of the other ingredients and let simmer for at least ten minutes. Let cool. Use enough for your pizza and freeze the rest!

(for the dough)
Sprinkle yeast on warm water and let sit for five minutes. Add in olive oil.

Meanwhile, mix together all dry ingredients. Add water, yeast and olive oil mixture to dry mixture and mix well. Add extra water or flour if needed to form a malleable ball. Knead for a few minutes.
Place in a covered bowl and let sit in a warm place for about an hour. (I heat up my oven for five minutes, TURN OFF THE HEAT, and then put the dough in there)
After an hour, it should've doubled in size.
Separate into three separate balls. Roll each ball out as thin as you can or as wide as you want it. Fold over edges to form crust.
Get your cheese ready!
Top your three pizzas with cooled tomato sauce...
...cheese, chopped onion and a little extra oregano...
... and you have the perfect pizza base!

Topping ideas coming soon!

Pizza tips:
  1. Get your oven extra hot
  2. Don't overload on toppings, it will take longer to cook
  3. Make sure your toppings are as dry and cool as possible, to avoid soggy dough
  4. Try roasting your vegetable toppings (tomatoes, onion, peppers, etc.) in the oven before putting them on the pizza... it will add flavor

Monday, February 07, 2011

What is the religious climate in your country?

What is the religious climate in your country?... Jennifer asks over at Conversion Diary

When I told American Catholics about the religious climate here in Portugal last summer (at the National Theology of the Body Congress), they were shocked. "But our lady of Fatima promised to protect Portugal!" they said. Well, I'm not sure what our lady of Fatima thinks of Portugal's religious climate, but I'm sure she's not too happy. Maybe it's her protection that is keeping Portugal hanging by a thread in terms of christianity, but it's hard to think how it could be worse! In a word: indifference. New movements are slowly springing up, and the climate is becoming more hostile toward christians... forcing people to take a stand... which brings some hope I think.


1. Where do you live? (Or, if you’re not currently living there, what part of the world is it that you’re familiar with?)

In PORTUGAL, Europe's most western country. Specifically Lisbon. I moved here seven years ago to study theology.

2. What is church attendance like in your area? Are there many churches? Do they seem to have active memberships?

Church attendance is still mainly Catholic and is becoming less and less. The average age of attendees is very old. There are some families with kids, but usually it is because people still enroll their kids in CCD even though they aren't believing or practicing Catholics, so sometimes people go to church because of their kids.

3. At a typical social event, how appropriate would it be if a person were to explicitly acknowledge in casual conversation that he or she is a believing Christian? For example, if someone at a party made a passing comment like, “We’ve been praying about that” or “I was reading the Bible the other day, and…”, would that seem normal or odd?

It would definitely seem odd. There are typical opinions that are socially acceptable but those are not some of them. Some socially acceptable opinions would be:
  • "you can be spiritual without going to church"
  • "I don't agree/don't go to church but I think christian values are important, especially for kids"
  • "I grew up in a catholic school and think it helped me have good values. I'm a good person. "
  • "all religions are the same"
  • "I like catholic values but I'm into buddhism right now"
  • "I think we should all just respect each other and our views"
  • "the church has always been against knowledge" (I heard this statement, word for word, at a birthday party last week)
  • "the church has killed scientists, led theinquisition, crusades, etc."
  • "a little religion is good in moderation, I sometimes go to mass on Sunday"
  • "I believe in science" (therefore, I don't have faith)
  • "I'm probably more christian than people that go to church" (meaning: I'm a good person, people that go to church sometimes aren't)
  • "I don't agree with the church but I want my kids to be baptized, I got married through the church, etc."
4. What belief system do the politicians in your area claim to practice? For example,  here in Texas almost all politicians at least claim to have some kind of belief in God, regardless of what they may think in private — to openly admit to being an atheist would be political suicide in most parts of the state. Is this the case in your area?

Being a "close-minded" strong believer would almost be political suicide in Portugal... maybe in Europe in general. Politicians don't have to talk about their religious beliefs. Our prime minister is openly gay and that is absolutely not a problem for anyone, even practicing Catholics.

5. How many families do you know who have more than two children? If a family with four children moved to your area, would their family size seem unusual? What about a family with six children?

I know very few families with more than two! Portugal is the country in Europe with the second lowest birth rate (only Germany has fewer babies). Marriage is generally viewed as a limit on freedom, people get married very late (around the age of 30), careers are a priority and the job situations is difficult so it is hard for people to get a steady income.

In general people have two, one or no kids so families with more than four are very unusual. The only people that have more kids are usually in very radical church movements and it is hard to find large families that are joyful. Most people that go to Catholic mass don't know or care that the Church is against contraception and most priests will tell you to go ahead and have premarital sex or use contraception as long as you're "in love".

6. What seems to be the dominant belief system of the people in your area?
  • people that are good at science are smarter (there is even a class system in high schools: the best students study science and the weaker ones study arts or economics)
  • science and faith/the Bible are opposites
  • you shouldn't have to suffer in life
  • God can't exist because of the suffering in the world
  • happiness = physical pleasure, good food, partying, traveling, having nice things and a good career
  • Christianity is a moral code to be a better person and help your neighbor
  • I'm already a good person
  • God may or may not exist, and it doesn't impact my life in any way
  • (for most practicing Catholics:) God exists, but that fact doesn't change lives and can't solve my problems
  • I think for myself and am really progressive and open-minded
7. Do you notice any trends? Do people seem to be becoming more or less religious?

Statistics show that 97% of Portuguese people are Catholic. Anyone that lives here knows that isn't true. Although most people will nominally call themselves Catholic and get married through the Church, a very reduced percentage will go to Catholic mass every Sunday. Of those that go to Catholic mass every Sunday, a very low percentage will have a basic understanding of the Bible or even believe in Jesus and the Church's mission in carrying on his work.

Catholic movements and groups (like Opus Dei, the Neocatechumenal Way, Teams of Our Lady, etc.) are where you will find people that try to understand what they are doing and try to live their faith in their everyday lives. Some of these movements are doing great work and bearing fruit, even though it is slow and small.

Most people still put their kids in Catholic schools even though they don't believe in the basic tenets of Christianity, because it is "good quality education". Most teachers will work at these schools, some even say they are Catholic, but not go to church or even believe in God.

I think indifference is slowly fading, as people are taking stands on both sides. Non-christians are becoming more hostile toward christian views, crucifixes are being taken off public walls, people are not marrying through the Church as much. Christians are forced to understand what they believe if they want to believe it, seeing as they have to defend it more. I think this is good!

New movements are springing up. Christians are slowly uniting. Portuguese youth flock in herds to a monastery in France called Taize (whether that has any real impact on their faith is another story...).  

"Conard says there is more openness to the Gospel in Portugal than anyone has seen in decades. Like much of the world, this country has seen a progressive economic decline, yet a spiritual awakening is beginning to dawn.... 'Two things have to happen for My Hope to be successful in any country,” he explained. “First, the Christians must feel a passion for the Lord. Second, there must be a spiritual awakening. Both of those are happening on the Iberian Peninsula of Portugal.'” from here

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Reading in the sunshine


Don't you wish you could make time everyday for a little reading?
... while the sun shines warmly on your face?
... overlooking the blue ocean and hearing it's waves?

I do. I love sunshine and reading. I want to make it more routine.

Microwave baked potatoes

The ingredients:
4 large potatoes
1/2 onion, chopped
1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup steamed broccoli
1 cup cheese

The recipe:
Scrub the potatoes and poke all over with deep holes. Rub with olive oil, salt and pepper. Microwave until tender when you squeeze them. (in my microwave: 10 minutes) Cut in half.

Saute onion in 2 tablespoons of olive oil for five minutes. Add spices and lemon juice. Add cheese and stir until melted. Chop steamed broccoli and combine with cheese mixture.

Scoop potato flesh out of potato halves, leaving about 1/2 inch until the skin. Mix the potato into the broccoli mixture, then scoop the broccoli, cheese and potato into the empty potato shells.
Was that fast, easy, cheap and delicious or what???

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

God-sized dreams

"This winter has been rough... we've never had a winter like this before," my coworker casually commented about the weather yesterday.

I took it as a comment about the weather in my soul, which has definitely been accompanying the weather outside. I feel like a baby, because maybe all my winters have been hard and I don't want to be a complainer. Last year was a pretty horrible winter, a lot worse than this one. I was commuting almost 2 hours each way to work, doing something I didn't believe in, fraught with insecurity and seriously neglecting my physical needs.

This winter is difficult but in a different way. I'm on an adventure. I feel like I was clearly invited on this adventure. It makes perfect sense for my life but at the same time is wilder and better than I could've ever imagined. It was definitely God's idea and planning. Yet, the path that was so clear in the summer had some curves along the way I wasn't expecting. Actually the path didn't go at all the direction I was expecting... why does that seem to happen with EVERYTHING in my life since I invited God into it? Hmm. I am financially unstable, emotionally unstable, have relationships in my life that took a serious blow. This path is making me impatient, vulnerable, unsure, scared, angry. Yet it is also making me find in the impatience that what really counts is the journey, a strength in the vulnerability, in my incertainty the need to trust fully, in the fear a hand that guides me and in the anger... well I haven't found anything in the anger yet. I'm still in the middle of it.

Today I read posts about God-sized dreams here and here. God tells us nothing is impossible to he that believes. And He also tells us to have faith like a child. And children dream. They love adventures, will take your hand and trust you will lead the way on any adventure. They definitely live in the moment and appreciate the journey.

Today I had one of those curves along the path I wasn't expecting. I had to go back to my old job without having my new job yet and try to explain that to people. I realize that this adventure I'm on doesn't quite make sense to most people on the outside (although to a precious few, it does!) and on these curves it doesn't even make sense to me. I didn't lie to people today and tell them everything is great, and running perfectly, because it's not. I said that it's hard but it's what I want and what makes me happy. They seemed to understand that.

What I meant to say is that it's a God-sized dream. Even though it's hard, it is worth it. It is something crazy, unthinkable and wild... but it is freeing and invigorating. It is something I love, something that is transforming me slowly from the inside, something that is using all the talents I never imagined I have. It is making me trust God more, step outside my comfort zone, meet amazing and Jesus-loving people. I want to be more like a kid: trust more, hold God's hand, not be afraid to fall, play, use my imagination, run and be free.

My orchid has buds in the middle of winter.
Hoping it will bloom soon...

My God-sized dream