The simple life

This morning my private english student confessed to me that she is sometimes jealous of her cleaning lady. This student is getting her PhD and taking language classes for two different languages at the same time, but she wishes she could give her brain a break. And her dream way of relaxing would be to sweep. She desperately wishes she had time to put on some good music and just sweep and clean. I thought that was so awesome!

And she's not the only one that's academically-exhausted. She said that while having coffee with a friend (also getting his PhD), the cleaning lady passed by... sweeping... and she found out he was also secretly jealous of her. Except instead of cleaning, his secret dream is woodwork.

"It's like the simple life, you know?" she told me.

I definitely know what she means. And I will definitely remember that next time I clean my house.

Marie Jean

Dear Marie Jean,

Today I am happy you were born. Most especially I am happy to have met you and for our friendship. You know how we have a special connection and the same thumbs? I just realized today... I also had a special connection with my godmother and WE had the same thumbs. Isn't that funny? She has since passed away, but she was a cool lady and I am sure she is praying for me in heaven.

You are cute. Did you know that? And sweet.

And I know you prefer cats to dogs, but I can get over that.

What I love most about you is that you are open and trusting. I hope you always stay that way and don't let old age take your freedom (not that 20 is old or anything...). Everytime I think of you saying that after a horrible school year, you went to Taize and felt like God had given you a BIG HUG, I feel happy. And feel like crying kind of.

I hope we have many more good years and adventures together.

Love,

Your friend and honored godmother

Fight the good fight

"And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out."

Ephesians 6:10-18, Message version

Wanted: cute-looking old ladies that stole my purse

I have never felt so much like an idiot as today. Not only did I get incredibly mad, "madder than I've ever been in my life" (that's what I said several times this morning) and told someone I hated him, but I really regretted it at the end of the day.

The second really idiot-like thing I did today was put everything I own in my purse this morning. Why? Because little did I know that this afternoon I would leave this very same purse, with everything I own plus the kitchen sink, unattended for FIVE minutes in a church with three old women and have it disappear. You see, I have this theory that you should be able to trust people in a church, and if you can't then there's a problem. So whenever I go to receive communion, I leave my purse at my bench on purpose, to prove a point. Idiot. So today when I saw three cute-looking old ladies inside the church, I thought surely there would be no problem at all in leaving my purse unattended for five minutes. I almost asked one of them to watch my purse, but thought it would be unnecessary for surely old ladies won't let a creepy man come in and take a purse that obviously does not belong to him. Right?

Well, I asked the cute-looking old lady behind me if the confessional was unoccupied and she said no. I looked at my purse, looked at her and left my purse there. LEFT MY PURSE THERE! After a five (ten max) minute confession, I came out and to my surprise there were NO old ladies and NO purse. NO PURSE!

Moral of the story: never trust old ladies again

... and don't be an idiot

I thought I was "unattached" to material possessions until I lost my purse today. Plus my cellphone, camera, mp3 player, highlighted Theology of the Body book, planner and journal. Can you believe I put my journal in my purse this morning... what was I thinking? Well, I don't think I am so unattached anymore. I have a huge purse-shaped hole in my heart.

And of course who came to my rescue and helped me more than words can say? Of course the person I had insulted in the morning, saying I hated him and he had never helped me once.

Moral of the story: get over yourself already

... and don't be an idiot

A failing Lent

I have always been bad at Lent. I never seem to remember to fast, think of anything good to do/give up and stick with it. That's why I especially liked this post on A Holy Experience about "Why a Failing Lent Actually Succeeds."

Lent is not about what I can do, which is a relief. It's about making room and appreciating what He can do.

The last few days/weeks I'd been trying to think of something brilliant to do during Lent and couldn't think of anything.

What would I like to do?, I thought.

"I'll set my alarm clock for seven each morning and think of a great plan to actually get up and go running!" I thought this because of the humiliation/frustration it is not being to get out of bed in the morning, and realizing I can't even do that on my own.

"I'll take showers in almost cold water!" I thought this because of the humiliation/frustration it is in spending so much in gas each month and my landlady thinking I am wasteful.

"I'll read an extra half-hour a day of my Bible!" I thought this because it seems like it is taking forever to get through the Wisdom books and I want to get to the Prophets so I can finish the Old Testament.

Finally, God pierced through my selfish, ambitious plans and made Himself heard to me this morning at mass.

"Lent is about making time for God, because even conversion of heart is a gift from him."

"Look at the deserts that have already come up in your life and consider, 'how can I embrace this more?'"

"Rend your hearts, not your garments, and return to the Lord, your God." (Jl 2:13 today's first mass reading)

and finally, "it's about what God wants, not what YOU want."

After weeks of not knowing what to give up for Lent, not one but THREE ideas came to me all of a sudden and in a very definite way. I knew it was what God wanted and what he'd been asking for a while and I'd been set against, one of which is weekly mass. And the rest, all the indecisions and answers I have been demanding from God? Wait, accept your desert, embrace it and come to me!

Kimberly Hahn's prayer from her book Rome Sweet Home came to mind:

Lord I will do whatever you want me to do,

go wherever you want me to go,

say whatever you want me to say

and give up whatever you want me to give up.

But... what, Lord, what?! Can you just be a little more clear about what I should do/where I should go/what I should say and give up?

Listen. Come. Wait.

Welcome to the desert.

Telling secrets

Today I am especially thankful for my big mouth, for not being able to keep a secret. For having a mom that told me, since I was very little, "secrets make you sick".

I still remember the secrets I used to tell in elementary school. I remember how scared I was when I told a fellow first-grader that I picked my nose. I remember the feeling of connection, of intimacy, when she said... "me too!" Who would've thought? "I put them on them on my sheets." "I put them in my pockets."

I remember standing in circles with other girls at the playground, simply telling secrets. I remember the telling of secrets at sleepovers late at night, an unspoken tradition at little girls' sleepovers. A foundation for friendship.

It seems like telling secrets gets harder as you get older. The secrets seem bigger, darker, worse. It takes longer to trust someone, longer to make a friend. We all have secrets and they all seem horrible to us, just as horrible as putting boogers in your pocket sounds to a first grader. I am convinced that your level of happiness/mental health is directly proportional to how many of your secrets you tell.

"As I told my friend, I feel naked, exposed, like my soul has been revealed to the entire world. It is a very strange feeling to be speaking to someone and then realize that they have seen you from the inside out, without you ever having directed a thing to them!" about blogging, from Praying for Nina

"Our secrets are human secrets, and our trusting each other to share them with each other has much to do with the secret of what it is to be human.” ~Beuchner, Telling Secrets

"And maybe, just maybe, telling the secrets of the dark bring us out into the Light."
Of blogging, secrets, porn and truth @ aholyexperience.com

 

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him... And this is the verdict, that the light came into the world, but people preferred darkness to light, because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come toward the light, so that his works might not be exposed. But whoever lives the truth comes to the light, so that his works may be clearly seen as done in God." Jn 3,17.19-21

"This only serves to confirm my suspicions, that I'm still a man in need of a savior" DC Talk

Joy and pain

I read something a few weeks ago that really stuck with me:

In order to open to joy, you have to be open to pain too.

I would definitely consider myself an emotional person. Actually, hyper-sensitive and bipolar would be more accurate. The most important things in my life have simultaneously given me the most joy and most pain. Have taken me up to the sky, radiant with joy, and have torn my heart apart, thinking it could never be put back together again.

My move to Portugal seven years ago: my second year here (especially) was spent in a huge depression; brought out the worst in me; made me uncomfortable/shy/almost lose my new-found faith; eventually brought out the best in me; turned me into a stronger/more open person; eventually strengthened my faith; brought my family together, etc.

My relationship of three years: had a honeymoon phase spent in the stars; was torn apart with big crises that hit; learned what real love is all about; felt fear, uncertainty, heartache, impatience; have also felt incredible communion, inexplicable attraction, authentic support, etc.

At a wedding this Saturday



My youth group of three years:  dreamed big dreams; torn apart by failure, disappointment, criticism, insecurity; have felt incredible friendship and communion; have seen God work in miraculous ways; have wrestled with my incredible smallness and incapacity, etc.

My last weeks have consisted in ups, downs, ups, downs and a few more ups. I thought I was in the clear until another crises hit this Sunday, this time with my youth group, that has me requestioning all my priorities, decisions and callings until this point. I am at a definite down point, I am burnt out. I am "Re-discerning if something God once called you to do is still what he wants you to do?" (from what I am reading here: the ultimate burnout survival guide).

My heart has definitely been invested in my youth group over these past three years. It has been open to a whole lot of pain, but also to a whole lot of joy. I am trying to discern where God is guiding my heart now, trying to ignore the pain and wait for peace, so that I can hear the still, small voice. Pray for me!

"Oh joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee..."