The work of humility

This week has been, in a word, humbling.

I had to start looking for a job and admit I don't know what I'm doing.

I had to say goodbye to my elementary school students, the teachers at the school and say "yeah, probably not coming back next year... not sure though!" I hate saying goodbyes, especially saying fresh goodbyes every year.

I went back to the youth group I had left so drastically a few months ago and said... yeah, so I... just missed you guys.
And celebrated a birthday I should've celebrated in February...

I also realized: I don't love myself and I definitely don't love my circumstances. And I got this video in my inbox, where the definition of humility is "total acceptance of our circumstances."

Some of my favorite parts from the following video:

• "...que nos demos cuenta de cual es el verdadero y unico camino: el verdadero trabajo de humildade" (we realize what the true and only way is: the true work of humility)
• "entonces no hay lugar ya al deseo de sobresalir y de controlar a los demas" (then there is no place for the desire to stand out and control others)
• "asi mismo es humilde: cuando se es consciente de que todo lo que nos acontece es con el fin determinado de aprender por lo tanto la aceptacion total de nuestras circunstancias" (in this way we are humble: in the awareness that everything that happens to us is with the goal to teach us total acceptance of our circumstances)

"In ancient times it was understood that there was a transcendent moral order outside the self, built in to the fabric of the universe. If you violated that metaphysical order there were consequences just as sever as if you violated a physical reality by placing your hand in fire. The path of wisdom was to learn to live in conformity with this unyielding reality. That wisdom rested largely in developing qualities of character, such as humility, compassion, courage, descretion and loyalty.

Modernity reversed this. Ultimate reality was seen not so much as a supernatural order but as the natural world, and that was malleable. Instead of trying to shape our desires to fit reality, we now seek to control and shape reality to fit our desires. The ancients looked at an anxious person and prescribed spiritual character change. Modernity talks instead about stress-management techniques." (The Reason for God by Timothy Keller, p.71)

Discerning in the darkness

This weekend had a lot of emotions, decisions, people, good moments and bad moments. Started off on a high note, went down somewhere in the middle, then ended on a high note again.

Was so fun to go biking and to the beach with a special someone on my last weekend in Lisbon probably for a while (sniff sniff)...

Like Mary, I feel like I've been "pondering things in my heart" (Lk 2:19), but maybe unlike Mary's peaceful, trusting way of doing it, I've been a worried-sick, making decisions anyway kind of pondering. I feel like I don't have the answers, like God calls me to something and I try to name it and show it off and put a time-limit on it and then I realize it wasn't exactly that. And really I still don't know what it is. I mean, I know God's ways are not our ways but GEEZ.

Over tea, I told a friend, "oh no, he'll think I'm inconsistent and don't know what I want and am going back and forth, etc. etc." And she very simply said, "people can't expect you to know right away and never change... it's a process."

Reminded me of two things: the first, something I heard in Taize last summer. Here's what I wrote in my journal about a Bible study on John the Baptist:

"How does John the Baptist know he was sent by God? He has to prepare the way for someone else, but he doesn't know who that person is. This is different from the human way of thinking: goal, put it into practice, know why you are doing something. When you listen to God, you get some ideas that point in a direction, but meaning comes with the journey."

The second, was this blog post, the secret of discernment, over at Conversion Diary. About St. Francis of Assisi (interestingly, my confirmation saint) and how he heard a call from God telling him to rebuild His church and he at first thought it was materially so he spent a long time hauling stones. But it didn't matter, it mattered that he was responding the best way he could to God's call and this one foot in front of the other was beginning a journey that God would lead him on to build his Church.

"But now, the more I look to St. Francis’ example, the more I see that knowing the mind of God perfectly isn’t necessary for good discernment (not to mention the fact that it isn’t even possible).  As long as I am not blocking out God’s voice through intentional disobedience or sin, as long as I am sincerely seeking his will, that’s what matters. Even if I misunderstand some message in prayer and end up taking the “wrong” path, the Lord will work it out, as long as I stay close to him."

God's been leading me on a journey ever since I moved to Portugal, but I feel like only two years ago did I really learn to pray and only last summer did I really, actively respond to His call in a crazy way to quit my job and start fundraising to work for Young Life. So it's not turning out exaaactly as I was expecting. Does it mean I got the call wrong? It's what I was scared of, but after this weekend I realize I shouldn't even worry about that.

Spiritual mess

The beach this morning

This morning I talked to my kind-of spiritual director I talk to every now and then. Actually, she used to be my boyfriend's spiritual director, then ours as a couple and then I totally stole her. But since he's so kindhearted, he understands. ;) I'm just a spiritual mess and need extra help!

It's been a hard year for me and my the "construction" of my house has falling down. It was good to hear that from someone else. I've had crises in my job, relationship and just about everything this year. Yet even when everything fails, falls around us and we don't know where to go, that can be exactly where the Lord wants to meet us. It can be a call from the Spirit. So I'm going to find a place to try to stop, find silence, quiet my turbulence of emotions inside so I can build back up with God. Even though I need an answer NOW...

Meanwhile, this video called "29 ways to stay creative" was on the blog Today's Letters today (see sidebar).

I desperately need to practice, practice, practice at:

#4 Get away from the computer

#5 Quit beating yourself up

#16 Allow yourself to make mistakes

#28 Have fun

I've already started:

#2 Carry a notebook everywhere (have to buy a new one!)

#8 Drink coffee

#19 Get lots of rest (got over 8 hours last night! :D)

#27 Clean your workspace (see below)

... and you?

Happy weekend!

To make a true gift of my time

I had this sudden realization today that the way I've been managing the relationships in my life and my time isn't good. I used to think it's generous to give of your time to others, especially if you're single, and that too much time alone is selfish.

Then today I thought of all the people in my life that know how to say no and all the people I don't think know how to say no and thought of their priorities. I wanted to be like the people that say no a lot. And I realized that my time is a part of me, and I can't really make a gift of it unless I know how to protect it. A girl that gives her body to guys so that they'll love her isn't making a gift of herself, she's looking to please them and wanting their emotional attention. So why is giving my time to every person I've ever met, not because I want to, but because I am trying to please them all, much different? And I realized it's not selfish to spend time alone... in nature, with the Lord, doing creative things... as long as it's not an escape. Actually, I think it can help me to be more social. More social for real and deep relationships, not just running around, trying to schedule with everyone and their grandma.

Reminded me of this link: Steps to Better Boundaries

Family first

Part of my fascination with "mormon mommy blogs" is how unabashedly they put family in absolute first place: first their husband, then their kids, then the rest of the world, work, church ministries, social activities, etc. And it's not a thing they do out of obligation or grudgingly, they do it with joy, creativity and simplicity. Like how NieNie one time let her daughter stay home from school, spent the whole day with her and made her pancakes with lemon whipped cream here. Or how Taza and husband love their baby so much they find it unnecessary to leave her at home on their date night here.

Like Mother Teresa says, "I think the world today is upside down. Everybody seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater development and greater riches and so on. There is much suffering because there is so very little love in homes and in family life. We have no time for our children, we have no time for each other, there is no time to enjoy each other. In the home begins the disruption of peace in the world."

Reading these blogs has helped me see what making "family first" looks like in reality. It's slightly frustrating for me, because I feel like I want to live life like that, but know God knows better and has me on the journey I am ready for. Part of the reason these mormon mommys' lives are so rich are that they have this wonderful support network of close relationships of friends and family, partly related to their church. I feel like I am only starting to have that now... as in, the last year of my life. That was part of why joining the Neocatechumenal Way was important to me. But what are you supposed to do when you are single and still discerning your vocation? What to put first (after God, of course) and second, what's essential and non-essential? I am thinking prayer, friendship and service to others through ministry is probably important. Still, as I am making career choices I wonder if the career is becoming more important than a future family. Will I be able to give it up, or at least put it in second place?

Here is a video I saw at the 4th International Theology of the Body Congress two weeks ago. It's John Paul II talking to families from the Neocatechumenal Way that go on mission throughout the world. Isn't that awesome? That it's not just the person or the couple that are important in the mission but that the whole family go and be a sign together? Anyway, I like how he says everything exists for the family: different environments, societies, peoples, cultures, social life, economic life... not at the expense of the family.

To heaven and back for the weekend

I have been on the verge of a mental breakdown due to impatience and confusion for the last few days. Still fundraising. Still waiting for God to be a little clearer on what I should do... keep waiting, Lord? Still running from place to place, never feeling like I really have free time or focusing enough on relationships I really want to focus on.

And speaking of relationships... meanwhile, I get this out-of-this-world (aka HEAVENLY) opportunity to listen to amazing people talk about the most amazing teaching EVER on life and love... Theology of the Body. Am I living this in my life, I wonder?

Some of my favorite things I learned:

• If you choose power as a goal, mechanics will take first place (Spe Salvi on Bacon)
• Beauty of another person is help in guarding purity (like guards in museum)
• Purity/impurity is in the appetite, not the vision
• Body is sign of our vocation for communion by its very physiology (other-orientedness), sexual desire and fertility (only possible in communion with another)
• I may give of my time and talents to other men/women, but fertility is something I only give my spouse
• A child is a gift, shouldn't be appropriated but received; even the fact that fertilization happens after the sexual act points to this
• St. Augustine: the law was given so that grace might be sought and grace was given so that the law might be fulfilled
• Christ is in the struggle, we don't have to get over it to encounter Him
• 2 in 5 couples will have issue with infertility because of hormonal contraception
• St. John Vianney: artists and saints will save the world (art, music and beauty bypass reason and go straight to our hearts...)

And OMG yes I got to meet
I got to talk to
I got to take a picture with
I got to TOUCH
I got to COMMUNE with Christopher West!!!
Like actually accidentally sit behind him in the chapel and observe what he ate for breakfast and such. Stalkerish? He is awesome.