Got back from World Youth Day in Madrid, Spain. My favorite comment was one I heard on the bus from an American lady who said, "Being with all these people from all around the world, all united and praying together, makes me think that must be a little what heaven is like."
I went with mi novio and it was very special for us. It was the first time we had taken a trip, just us, not to visit family. Well, in this case it actually was family, just not blood-related. It was a great time for us an for our discernment!
The youth group I started three and a half years ago Lifeteen Portugal, met it's founders... the real Lifeteen! We were interviewed for a video they did, which will show up soon on their site. Can't wait!
Lifeteen Portugal with the president of Lifeteen, Randy Raus! I told him, "you're like a celebrity for me". He just laughed.
Us singing and posing for the camera. See me in the back?
At the beginning of this school year, my youth group had just gotten back from Taizé, France and we were totally united and motivated. We were doing monthly prayers with Taizé songs and a potluck dinner afterwards. For the first one, I was expecting less than ten people to come, but instead around twenty came and after dinner stayed for hours playing games and having lots of spontaneous fun.
I thought to myself, this year for my birthday I'm going to have a prayer with Taizé songs and a potluck dinner afterwards here at the parish and invite my family and friends. It will be the first birthday party in which I'll be really, really happy and have everyone united since I've been in Portugal (I used to really love my birthday parties when I lived in the States).
But things turned out differently and I was in the States for my birthday. At first I was really sad about the whole situation and I explained that to my parish priest with tears in my eyes (what a BABY, I know). Then I accepted it and felt loved anyway in the States.
But that sweet parish priest and sweet youth group of mine planned a surprise party for me anyway... better than I could've imagined. And it was so much more special being a suprise. I have never felt so loved. As soon as I set off to the States, they started emailing each other and my parents for pictures (for the nicest video ever). When I got back, I had an email (sent to the whole youth group), saying the end-of-the-year dinner would be the next friday. I thought, oh how convenient that it's the day before I leave for the Azores.
So I went unsuspecting to the end-of-activities dinner and was greeted by darkness and a little group of the most wonderful people IN THE WORLD singing me happy birthday around a cake. Oh you bet I cried.
The cake they sang happy birthday around
Me walking in
A cutout of ME they carefully and artfully made so that people could pretend it was their party
And the best part of the party: the people I really love EVERY SINGLE one of them
After dinner we sang Taizé songs and had some readings from a little booklet they had made with my favorite Taizé songs! Aw. Like El alma que anda en amor. I felt like I was living the Prodigal Son story. Even though I had left them, they loved me unconditionally. Even though I didn't deserve any of this, they welcomed me back with a huge banquet fit for a king and really did treat me like a king, slaughtering the finest cow. Love is beautiful. And finally, here is the BEAUTIFUL, THOUGHTFUL video they made for me:
I had to start looking for a job and admit I don't know what I'm doing.
I had to say goodbye to my elementary school students, the teachers at the school and say "yeah, probably not coming back next year... not sure though!" I hate saying goodbyes, especially saying fresh goodbyes every year.
I went back to the youth group I had left so drastically a few months ago and said... yeah, so I... just missed you guys. And celebrated a birthday I should've celebrated in February...
I also realized: I don't love myself and I definitely don't love my circumstances. And I got this video in my inbox, where the definition of humility is "total acceptance of our circumstances."
Some of my favorite parts from the following video:
"...que nos demos cuenta de cual es el verdadero y unico camino: el verdadero trabajo de humildade" (we realize what the true and only way is: the true work of humility)
"entonces no hay lugar ya al deseo de sobresalir y de controlar a los demas" (then there is no place for the desire to stand out and control others)
"asi mismo es humilde: cuando se es consciente de que todo lo que nos acontece es con el fin determinado de aprender por lo tanto la aceptacion total de nuestras circunstancias" (in this way we are humble: in the awareness that everything that happens to us is with the goal to teach us total acceptance of our circumstances)
"In ancient times it was understood that there was a transcendent moral order outside the self, built in to the fabric of the universe. If you violated that metaphysical order there were consequences just as sever as if you violated a physical reality by placing your hand in fire. The path of wisdom was to learn to live in conformity with this unyielding reality. That wisdom rested largely in developing qualities of character, such as humility, compassion, courage, descretion and loyalty.
Modernity reversed this. Ultimate reality was seen not so much as a supernatural order but as the natural world, and that was malleable. Instead of trying to shape our desires to fit reality, we now seek to control and shape reality to fit our desires. The ancients looked at an anxious person and prescribed spiritual character change. Modernity talks instead about stress-management techniques." (The Reason for God by Timothy Keller, p.71)
I read something a few weeks ago that really stuck with me:
In order to open to joy, you have to be open to pain too.
I would definitely consider myself an emotional person. Actually, hyper-sensitive and bipolar would be more accurate. The most important things in my life have simultaneously given me the most joy and most pain. Have taken me up to the sky, radiant with joy, and have torn my heart apart, thinking it could never be put back together again.
My move to Portugal seven years ago: my second year here (especially) was spent in a huge depression; brought out the worst in me; made me uncomfortable/shy/almost lose my new-found faith; eventually brought out the best in me; turned me into a stronger/more open person; eventually strengthened my faith; brought my family together, etc.
My relationship of three years: had a honeymoon phase spent in the stars; was torn apart with big crises that hit; learned what real love is all about; felt fear, uncertainty, heartache, impatience; have also felt incredible communion, inexplicable attraction, authentic support, etc.
At a wedding this Saturday
My youth group of three years: dreamed big dreams; torn apart by failure, disappointment, criticism, insecurity; have felt incredible friendship and communion; have seen God work in miraculous ways; have wrestled with my incredible smallness and incapacity, etc.
My last weeks have consisted in ups, downs, ups, downs and a few more ups. I thought I was in the clear until another crises hit this Sunday, this time with my youth group, that has me requestioning all my priorities, decisions and callings until this point. I am at a definite down point, I am burnt out. I am "Re-discerning if something God once called you to do is still what he wants you to do?" (from what I am reading here: the ultimate burnout survival guide).
My heart has definitely been invested in my youth group over these past three years. It has been open to a whole lot of pain, but also to a whole lot of joy. I am trying to discern where God is guiding my heart now, trying to ignore the pain and wait for peace, so that I can hear the still, small voice. Pray for me!
"Oh joy that seekest me through pain, I cannot close my heart to thee..."
