A silent retreat

My Spanish kind-of spiritual director, when I told her I was having a minor breakdown back in June, suggested I make a big stop before taking the next step. So, following her advice, I'm going on a week-long silent retreat starting... TODAY! It's called Spiritual Exercises, developed by the founder of the Jesuits.

Why am I retreating into silence for a whole week?

• Because I boldly and without too much reflection embarked on a project last summer that over the course of the year has not gone as I planned and has pretty much failed in human terms. And I don't know what to do next.
• I am job-hunting (only have a small, part-time job) and don't know what I want.
• I am discerning my vocation with my boyfriend and have been doing so for a while.
• I feel like I'm pretty much in darkness and want to listen to the still, small voice before taking the next step. As my Spanish friend said, "invite God in to rebuild my fallen house with me".

I'm pretty scared. A whole week! Pray for me and I'll be back next Thursday!

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Somos la juventud del papa!

Got back from World Youth Day in Madrid, Spain. My favorite comment was one I heard on the bus from an American lady who said, "Being with all these people from all around the world, all united and praying together, makes me think that must be a little what heaven is like."

I went with mi novio and it was very special for us. It was the first time we had taken a trip, just us, not to visit family. Well, in this case it actually was family, just not blood-related. It was a great time for us an for our discernment!

The youth group I started three and a half years ago Lifeteen Portugal, met it's founders... the real Lifeteen! We were interviewed for a video they did, which will show up soon on their site. Can't wait!  

Lifeteen Portugal with the president of Lifeteen, Randy Raus!
I told him, "you're like a celebrity for me". He just laughed.

 



Us singing and posing for the camera. See me in the back?

Away for World Youth Day

Unfortunately, I haven't been and won't be able to blog for a while. Fortunately, it's for a good reason: I've been visiting my boyfriend's family in the north of Portugal and now am on my way to World Youth Day in Madrid!

Happy vacation (if you have vacation...)

Dear friends, build your own house on rock, just like the person who “dug deeply”. Try each day to follow Christ’s word. Listen to him as a true friend with whom you can share your path in life. With him at your side, you will find courage and hope to face difficulties and problems, and even to overcome disappointments and set-backs. You are constantly being offered easier choices, but you yourselves know that these are ultimately deceptive and cannot bring you serenity and joy. Only the word of God can show us the authentic way, and only the faith we have received is the light which shines on our path. Gratefully accept this spiritual gift which you have received from your families; strive to respond responsibly to God’s call, and to grow in your faith. Do not believe those who tell you that you don’t need others to build up your life! Find support in the faith of those who are dear to you, in the faith of the Church, and thank the Lord that you have received it and have made it your own!

Pope Benedict XVI, Message for the 26th World Youth Day

Calming my soul

Yesterday I sat in the car on the way home with my heart heavy. Heavy with worry, heavy with seeing people hurt each other. I asked God, "is this my home?" because I felt lost. Being with family is the most wonderful thing in the world... any kind of family: blood relations but also groups and friends that become close like family. Yet what brings most joy also is what brings most pain. Any time you get that close you see hurt, you get hurt... and you hurt others.

So I drove home with my heart heavy, seeing hurt and realizing there was nothing I could do about it. Instead of trying to fix or soothe it, I am learning to accept it. Accept that the other person is sad/mad/hurt and that I am not their God to heal them. And that they aren't even asking me for healing. Accept the actions of the other and not try to change them. I am learning that real love is JUST listening (as if it were a small and easy task!), not giving advice or trying to change the other person or the situation. I am learning that real love is letting the other person feel, have space, have time, reap consequences.

And, most importantly I am learning that my heart's home is in God. Only He can cure and help the people I love. And I am sick too, so I need to make my home in Him at every moment. I found a great article about silence that made me REALLY understand for the first time how to be silent as a form of prayer. Where else but from the Taizé brother. Silence is recognizing I am worrying about something beyond my reach and capacity and letting Jesus calm anxiety in my heart, like he calms storms.

From http://www.taize.fr/en_article12.html:

How is it possible to reach inner silence? Sometimes we are apparently silent, and yet we have great discussions within, struggling with imaginary partners or with ourselves. Calming our souls requires a kind of simplicity: "I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvellous for me." Silence means recognising that my worries can’t do much. Silence means leaving to God what is beyond my reach and capacity. A moment of silence, even very short, is like a holy stop, a sabbatical rest, a truce of worries.

The turmoil of our thoughts can be compared to the storm that struck the disciples’ boat on the Sea of Galilee while Jesus was sleeping. Like them, we may be helpless, full of anxiety, and incapable of calming ourselves. But Christ is able to come to our help as well. As he rebuked the wind and the sea and "there was a great calm", he can also quiet our heart when it is agitated by fears and worries (Mark 4).

Mon âme se repose en paix sur Dieu seul : De lui vient mon salut.

Oui sur Dieu seul mon âme se repose, se repose en paix.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday podcast

There's a podcast about the upcoming Sunday readings that I occasionally listen to, but wish I'd listen to more regularly because it's really great. It's done by a guy named Mark Hart, nicknamed the Bible Geek... he studies theology and is kind of like who I want to be when I grow up. ;) Here's the link for this Sunday:

http://www.lifeteen.com/podcasts/sunday-sunday-sunday-080711

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My favorite things about this Sunday's readings:

• God reveals himself in ways we aren't expecting (from the first reading).
• A Jew in that time period would know that God can tread on waves from Job 9 and Habakkuk 3 and that He stills the storms from the Psalms, so he would be looking for that in a Messiah.
• The disciples (in the Gospel reading) were probably hauling water out of the boat and fighting the storm for 6 or 8 hours when Jesus showed up, and it was between 3-6 a.m.
• When Jesus tells S. Peter, "oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" he didn't mean it in a humiliating way but as a way of encouragement. Peter was the bravest, he's the only one to even get out of the boat and Jesus tells him "keep going, I AM!" - Very encouraging to me, also, because when I read this it seemed so harsh. I identify a lot with Peter, headstrong and active in my faith (not receptive enough like Mary), and also feel like I'm sinking after trying to get out of the boat... so it's comforting to hear Jesus NOT be harsh with me and want to encourage me. ;) 

Happy weekend!

My mom in Amélie

If my mom were in the movie Amélie, one of the ways she would be described would be as "loves the ends of bread". She makes bread (a custom recipe) in her bread machine every few days and it's her favorite day. Then her and my dad fight over the ends of the bread (the first and last loaf you cut, with the most crust). Every time I come to visit, she asks me without fail (she forgets every time), "do you like the end of the bread?" Almost reluctantly, as if she's scared of the answer. Then when I invariably answer "no, you've asked me that before" she lets out a little squeal and says "ooh good!"

When our cleaning lady comes, my mom usually gives her a loaf of fresh bread... but never the ends. Apparently this lady has accidentally (or not so accidentally... we're not sure) taken the bread end on occasion so now my mom very carefully hides the bread ends when she comes.

She likes to eat them for dinner with a cup of soymilk with cereal mixture, which tastes like coffee. She says her mom used to have bread and coffee for dinner everyday and she used to tell her, "mom, that's not enough for dinner". But now she's adopting many of the same habits her mom used to have. 

PS Do you like my new blog design? If you aren't a follower yet, you can sign up with gmail or by another email here at the top left. ;)

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A car ride in the Azores

I love car rides through the middle of Terceira. I love the green, the hills and the wild hydrangeas... 

Can you see the bulls grazing out there? Sometimes people go pick flowers or berries out in the fields and accidentally go to one with bulls and have to run for their lives...

I am so proud of my mom. She isn't letting her 60 years stop her from living life and taking risks. She's learning how to play tennis, how to play ping-pong and how to swim. Last week she swam in the ocean for the first time in her life!!!

Watch out Michael Phelps!

The quest for the perfect veggie burger continues

Today I tried out "the PERFECT veggie burger" I had seen on Iowa Girl Eats. It was okay, a little complicated and a little dry. I think the ones I've made before are better. I'm still on the quest for a veggie burger like the one at Chili's. Yum!

The sweet potato fries are always great, though.

Still a good lunch. Cooking can't be always win, win, win, right?

Passion and creativity

Once I saw a TV show about recovering drug addicts and one girl's story really struck me. She said the hardest part about not taking drugs anymore was having to deal with her emotions. When she came home from a hard day at work, instead of taking drugs to make herself feel better, she had to let herself feel pain. Let herself feel sad, angry or hurt.

How many things to we do to avoid feeling negative emotions? I can think of a dozen off the top of my head. The catch, though, is that if you numb out the negative emotions, you take the positive emotions out along with them. In order to be open to joy, you have to be open to pain and all emotions are really gifts from God anyway. Something I've been learning... slowly.

So last week I felt angry and sad and had a few conflicts with important people in my life. It is SO hard to work through it, trying to accept pain. But as my wise, handsome boyfriend said, "I just realized why Jesus's suffering and death is called his passion. I used to think, what does that have to do with passion? But it has to do with love. Changing and suffering before giving Himself completely out of love." And it's what I'm experiencing in dating and also in life. This whole life is kind of a passion, a changing and a suffering in love before heaven. And the strongest people look suffering right in the face, and don't run away.

Or like Frida Kalho, they paint about it:

From here

Or like Johnny Cash they sing about it. I'm so excited about learning to play the guitar and Johnny Cash songs. I love Johnny and June:

And here, playing in a prison! :)